The Classic Rock Achievement Medal

We put some thought into the recent announcement of nominees for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction, and we have concluded that the organization has truly lost touch with rock music fans. The nominee list for the current year includes “disco pioneers Chic, which performed this summer at Chula Vista’s Sleep Train Amphitheater. This marks the 11th time Chic have been on the ballot, a record for any Rock Hall nominee.” Um, the keyword being “disco”, why would they even be considered for inclusion in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, let alone actually be nominated 11 times!

So we came up with a new hashtag – #RockHaHaOfFame – and a new, more meaningful award. This would be the press release for the award:

PODUNK, Idaho – October 21, 2016 – AP

In a stunning move destined to set the recording industry on it’s ear, today the classic rock music website unveiled plans for the development and presentation of the world’s newest rock music award.

Following prolonged consultations with experts in the field (and in the cafeteria), a major consensus was reached in naming the award the Classic Rock Achievement Medal. An industry insider disclosed that the pending honor will soon be referred to as the ‘Crammy’ award. The unidentified rock critic states that neither the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) nor the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame were given advance notice prior to today’s announcement.

Compact disc and album sales are down 10% since 2015, and this sector of the music market could use a boost on Wall Street. Perhaps a new type of recognition for rock music achievements would rejuvenate public interest and boost sagging sales. When questioned about the possibility of a new rock music award, RIAA executives responded with a brief statement, “What?”.

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame photo.

Ground Zero!

An anonymous source at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame revealed that the mood in the halls of the hall was “widespread confusion and sporadic chaos, but around here that’s normal.” Major U.S. record labels and entertainment industry unions applauded the principal behind the project, a spokesman responded that it was “a bitchin’ thing to do. The dudes and chicks that made this music worked and partied many hard hours just to end up getting ripped off by Hollywood. Now they can tell ’em to cram it!”

Entertainment analysts predict public response regarding the announcement, an award specifically for Classic Rock bands and artists, will be “far out, man.” Joe Walsh, legendary guitarist for the James Gang and the Eagles, learned of the pending recognition and replied, “Cool. It’s about time.” Walsh also commented on the recent outrage of Steve Miller, saying “He’s right on, the whole thing is a bunch of bull!”

Boston Onstage photo.

The committee designated to bestow the award is under formation at an undisclosed location. Media consultant and PR firm owner P.R. Firm acknowledged his companies involvement in screening applicants for the selection board. Firm confides that hopefuls for the nominating team, to be known as the Classic Rock Achievement Committee Kids, or CRACK, will consist of “a cross-section of life in America and beyond. We’re not positive, but we have reason to believe that the first person seated on the board will be a 54-year-old gramma; Moses Lake, Washington, is her home. We feel it fitting, in order that the awardees can say that they “got a crammy from a grammy.” 

Details surrounding the award, including the nominee process, physical design of the award, eligibility requirements, selection criteria, and other aspects of the program are being hammered out and await much needed public input.

Firm continued, “This morning, via conference call between New York, London, Los Angeles, and Podunk, Idaho, it was decided unanimously that the official motto for the ‘Crack‘ team will be “Rock The Nation”.

Legal professionals in the field (who don’t eat in cafeterias) are puzzled regarding copyright violations and potential reactions from the RIAA and other impacted organizations. One local studio veteran remarked that “The Crammy is gonna’ upset the power structure and balance in the realm of Hollywood glamour and glitz. Ripple effects will influence producers, record labels, music retailers, performers, agents, fans, the entire industry, hell, even the building maintenance crew. It could get messy.”

History reveals few successful new entertainment awards without widespread industry support and acknowledgment. Backers of the latest award have undertaken a dedicated promotion crusade which may or may not sway public opinion.”

While this is a parody of the Rock Hall nominee process, we would love to see a new award for classic rock artists. The current recognition system is completely skewed and commercial, and talents such as Foghat, Bachman-Turner Overdrive, The Moody Blues and dozens of other obvious contenders do not even get nominated.


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